“Hi, my name is Yulia, and I am an Instamom”.

today i feel particularly vulnerable. may be because my son has 102F fever again, third time on a row this month. may be because we are traveling, and though at my parents place in Saint-Petersburg, Russia, i feel far from home and lonely. or may be because the wine i’ve been drinking to take my worries away is finally making effect, but not the one i was hoping for.

today was supposed to be a different kind of day. after a week of November-like chills and pouring rain, the weather in St.Pete is finally changing for better, and my parents and i planned to go together with Leo to the big park not far from their house. i had my mani-pedi appointment scheduled for after lunch, and then i was gonna spent an evening with my old-time friends. but Leonardo woke up from his morning nap with a burning forehead. thermometer i popped up in his mouth showed 102.4F. third time this month, for no visible reason. i tried to be casual and matter-of-factly about it, but i couldn’t. the walk at the park was cancelled instantly, and when i tried to leave for my beauty appointment Leo started crying so badly i couldn’t hold my own tears. so i got undressed and wiped off my lipstick, we cuddled and nursed, and i kissed his burning forehead thousand times, knowing that staying in with him is the right thing to do, but feeling sad and helpless and scared nevertheless.

on the days like this motherhood seems like a very lonely place to be. you feel the weight of responsibility, as well as you get to realize that the sun no longer rotates around you. it almost feels like your own life is on a stand-by, but you don’t know if it’s temporary or forever. you question what you managed to accomplish in your life-before-the-baby, as well as how well are you doing as a mom. and nothing seems to make you feel proud – or even sure. do you know that feeling?

i put Leo to sleep early, and i stayed next to him, in the darkness of my parents’ bedroom, listening to his fast breathing, checking his forehead from time to time, and sipping my wine while browsing on Instagram. to be honest, i have a love-hate relationship with the social media, and i always question my presence there – why? am i too show-off? will i regret it? what is it for? i wonder if my son is going to hate me that i exposed his life to public from early days? so i think about closing my Facebook and Instagram account at least once every other week. and yet i keep on going. so why, really?

because of the days like today. because motherhood IS a lonely place, just like life in general, quite often so. because – if used correctly – social media takes your worries away better than wine, and helps you feel connected when you are in the darkness of a room, all alone. because there are wonderful people out there, complete strangers whom you probably will never meet, but somehow they are there to support you with words and advice when needed. and sometimes all that it takes is someone’s kind comment, and all that it matters is that someone cares and listens. yes, it’s a virtual world, but isn’t our life what we imagine or believe in anyways?

today i am grateful to the virtual Insta-community for support and inspiration and the ray of light on a gloomy St.Pete night. in particular, i would like to thank Michelle Won (IG growingupbabym) for her wonderfully honest interview to Huffington Post about being an Instamom. “And then, during those 2AM, 4AM and 6AM feedings, while I sat in the dark room, nursing the baby, I found myself browsing through photos of babies from all over the world.” does it sound familiar to you? it certainly does to me. sometimes it’s enough just to know that you are not alone, isn’t it?

i also loved reading Tayler Golden (IG taylergolden) inspiring interview for “I’m like brave” blog, about her journey as a mom-enterpreneur. she brings up a beautiful quote by Albert Einstein: “Try not to become a person of success, but rather try to become a person of value.” , and i think it couldn’t be more relative to being a mom. so when social media competition becomes daunting, and you compare your lows to everybody else’s high-reels, just remember that motherhood is not about success, but about value.

you can read Michelle’s interview HERE

Tayler Golden interview can be found HERE

quick link to my own Instagram:


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